I Used To

I used to walk in narrow alleys and peer into the blinds of other people’s houses.I pictured if I would be more contented living in there.Perhaps I would have more sleep in their mahogany queen sized bed.Maybe I’ll read more non fiction books under those yellow lights and discover something that will turn my mind over forever.Maybe I won’t feel like I’m living in an empty belly of a beast.Maybe when I’m home alone,the solitude and weights of the silence of the big quiet house will not cave in and collapse onto me.But I’ve learnt that home is where the heart is,no matter how much the solitude crushes your insides.

I used to feel like TV static.Detached,and distant.But I’ve learnt that when you close your eyes,the static sounds will just be white noise,and that’s that.

I used to pretend you’re Waldo and look for your face in a crowded room.When I finally found you,I see the way you looked at her like the way I look at you.My self worth will drown in the turbulent waves of an emotional tsunami.Your eyes will meet mine and I will turn away and feign exhaustion.When you approach me,you will leave a gaping black hole inside my skeletal system because I know you’ll never be mine.But I’ve learnt that you don’t deserve me because you were the reason I hit the lowest.

I used to smoke in the bathroom sometimes.I would turn on the hot water and let the hot water vapour particles collide with the smoke particles to make the smell go away.I would come out of the bathroom flushed and smelling like a 50 year old man in a brandy bar.But I’ve learnt that just because you ignored your feelings and the smell of nicotine,doesn’t mean it’s not there.

I used to sit on the park bench at 6pm every Friday,hoping to find something that can turn my day around.I once read that seeing 4 red cars means you will have a good day ahead of you,and seeing 4 black cars means you will have the shittiest day in your life.No matter how many red Kancils or black Honda Civics I see,I still feel like I want to die.But I’ve learnt that I have been taking everything for granted and acting like a dick.

I used to think a 30 day free trial for death is the smartest idea in the world that has yet to exist.And when it does exist,mankind will be wiped out,death rates will rise higher than Andy Warhol’s turtlenecks.I still think it’s a pretty good idea.


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