That Night

was the night I lost my religion.Faith fell out of me like a girl committing suicide on a bridge.Every middle of the night when my sister sleeps soundly,how could He or She not hear my cries? Were the crickets too loud or He or She needed to turn on the lights to see who was crying? I wasn’t looking for anyone.Not Allah,not Jesus,not Elohim,not anyone in particular.

I believe everyone had a gaping hole inside of them which I’d like to call the “God’s hole”.Everyone filled up that void with religion,bibles and Sunday visits to churches and mass.I am not quite sure what I believe in.I used to believe in something,a higher existence,the man up there. But this feeling of emptiness is still unbearable,as if it was a tumor,growing and growing inside of me.In this case,it’s wiping things out of me and creating a larger hole,like rain falling onto grass and one day,the grass becomes an entirely flat surface with nothing but sand and debris. So,if religion was so powerful,why do I still feel – empty? Enough of being Woody Allen here.

I have friends asking me if I feel comfortable being agnostic.I have friends asking me “Why don’t you believe in God?”,or when they see me upset they’ll ask me have I  tried praying.I never knew how to answer them,and in that moment they felt like a stranger to me.I’ll never understand their beliefs.They’ll never understand my skepticism.We are on different pages now.And before we resume being friends again I just answer them that I’m agnostic.

Maybe they can’t understand why I do not believe,which was a question I can’t really answer myself because I can’t understand why I do not believe.

That night,when my faith fell out my me like a girl committing suicide on a bridge,I understood.It has dawned upon me that everything  is because it – is.Everything happened for a reason.Karma happens because when assholes treat people like shit all the time,they wouldn’t be treated like gold.Coincidence is all everything ever is,and that’s that.Of course this is just my point of view.I’d really love to think that life after death is a long queue in front of Heaven’s gate and you meet the girl who sat behind you in class who lent you her notes for Biology class.Or death is a long queue in front of Hell’s gate and you meet the asshole who hit your car and did not turn back to see if you are bleeding. Or death is a reincarnation of you as an Amoeba. But I really think death is just stepping into darkness and nothingness as you are unconscious for eternity while you are buried 6 feet deep in a coffin or your ashes are swimming with the Garoupas in the Medditeranean Sea.

Sometimes I wished I believe,but I don’t.

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