I’m not Oprah Winfrey.When things get awkward and uneasy,I can’t go “EVERYBODY LOOK UNDER YOUR SEATS AND YOU’LL FIND KEYS TO YOUR NEW PRIUSSSSSS!!!!!!!!”.I’m not Tyra Banks.When things get uneasy and awkward,I can’t extend my neck and go “No one loves a no neck monster.When I was shooting for GQ,I always remember my neck.Neck,model.No neck,not model.” I’m only human.And for the record,no,Tyra Banks and Oprah Winfrey aren’t humans.They don’t get stuck in horrible social situations.They don’t poop or respire either.
1.Caught off guard in a reality show
If you hate my guts and detest me,you WILL hook me up for a gotcha call.If you want to push me off the edge and make me suffer without injuring me,you WILL conspire with Howie Mandel and put me in Mobbed,where a thousand or more people wave their hands and do an intricate Mexican wave in Sunset Boulevard specially for me and I’m in national telly going “Oh my god,what is going onnnnnnnnn.Daaaaaave.What’s this?Har har har.”
Translation:”Oh my god,I’m going to rip your guts out, Dave you son of a bitch.You’re gon get it.”
Watching Boiling Point has made me conclude one thing.I am going to tolerate any stranger who has gotten on my nerves,because you never know,I might be on Boiling Point.Have they cancelled the show?I remember it still being hip back in what,2003? But to be on the safe side,I’m still going to tolerate assholes who get on my nerves.Just in case I’m on Boiling Point.
2.Running out of things to say on Skype
Running out of things to say on the phone is not as harrowing as running out of things to say on Skype.Because when you skype someone,it means you have something so important to say that you can’t call or text the person,you have to see the person’s fucking face.IT’S THAT IMPORTANT.And when you finally drop the news,the person did not see the magnitude of the importance of the news the way you did so the person just shrugged it off and thought it was some small talk shit.
Then you go “Yarp.”There was that uncomfortable silence.The person goes “So what’s that you wanna say?” and you go”Oh,I finished.” and the person goes ” Ah,I see.” But you don’t want to hang up just yet because,what if you still have important things to say which slipped your mind?Then you realized,shit,that’s all you have got to say and the skype call is only 3 minutes.You want to hang up but don’t know how.And at this point where the uncomfortable silence is unbearable,you do a freeze cam.Yes,I’m very ashamed/proud to say I have done a freeze cam before.It’s when you keep yourself motionless infront of the camera and you hang up,to trick the person that you have a horrible internet connection,but when you actually have horrible social skills.
3.The part in Karaoke where no song words come out and it’s a long ass melody
Don’t you hate it when you’re the only person up singing with a mic and when you’re jamming to Paradise City,the guitar solo comes in and you don’t know what to do?Do you air guitar?But damn,that solo is about 3 minutes long.Air guitaring for 3 minutes is horrendous.Do you move your body side by side or pretend you’re Joey Ramone kicking it back in 1983? Normally I just laugh and try to look like I’m enjoying myself when in actually fact I was thinking ” WHEN THE FUCK CAN I START SINGING AGAIN” And I will sigh in relief when I see the 3 circles above the song words turning into 2 circles and finally one.
4.Trying to fist bump a toddler and the toddler doesn’t give a fuck about you
and people were actually there to witness that.When I am finally blinded by the cute factor of a toddler,I am reminded why I hate them again when they do not reciprocate my fist bumps.I give killer fist bumps.