Pepperaloneni

I’m made of barbed wires that’s why hugs are not something you’ll get
I’m a state penitentiary,you’d want to escape from me
But you just don’t know it yet
Special abilities include talking about deaths on first dates
And trying to speculate
The age when you contemplate suicide
The damp spot by my bed because I sleep on my sides
because it gets bleak and I cry
“You are test tubes of emotions and you always refill them forever.”
Inabilities include talking about the weather
I can’t hear you talking about how little layers
You wear to Tesco
In the blistering cold.
Because I’m six miles deep underwater drowning myself
In thoughts on how to drown myself.
I’m not half full,I’m not half empty
So tell your therapist to fuck off,I don’t care if she has an MD
I’m a broken cup,fill me up and you’re the only optimist
Why will you never be full?
“How do you screw this up?”
Talk to the things I quit.
I took swimming lessons and I still don’t even know how to swim abit.
He moves like sun rays trying to warm me up
But I skipped across pavements that are lit up.
Like a child’s game I made pretend.
I would be destroyed if I touched the sun.
I can only play power chords on a papa roach song.
He has blue eyes,I think they’re grey.
I liked him because he reminded me of how nothing goes my way.
“I fucking love you but I’m not gonna stay.”
Main special ability includes – constantly walking away.

Standard

i’m going to chase that feeling for the rest of my life

laying half awake to mono’s yearning.yearning for something i dont know what.
trying to look at his eye from a kaleidescope eye.why won’t you look at me?
sitting on a tall edge in an alley getting high and feeling like simba in rafiki’s arms.call me yan,call me yan er,call me fernando,i don’t care.
waking up in a purple blanket in a moving car,staring at silver lining of clouds and i wish i was there.i want to bathe in clouds,what a beautiful beach.it’s a beach,i hope it’s a beach.

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Awfully sad and weird,and the only thing that is able to cheer me up are the sparks from the fire I flicked from a lighter.
And only you understand why.
I don’t even smoke anymore.
But I still keep the lighter in my pocket.
Because it’s the only thing that cheers me up.
And only you understand why.

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A Small List Of Things That I Would Normally Hide

I’ll sit and pretend
I know someone at an intimate depth
it only makes me feel like shit in the end
because you’re only as good as the people you consider your friends

so watch an aching past surface, and now i’m half certain
that everyone who associates with me’s a bad person
because everyone who associates with me is as worthless
now I finally understand what it means to lack courage
and at the end of the day it just defeats the damn purpose
to share the fruit of your knowledge while completely malnourished

so I’ve been trying to let go of the things that torture me inside
congratulations, you’re cordially invited
to a small list of things that I normally would hide
like high school, no comprehension of enough harm
codeine for numb hearts and patching up cut arms
but drinking cough syrup when you didn’t have a cough
is ironic, because in reality you’re sicker than you thought
but like hearing new music and being too scared to turn it up
virgin blood mostly told me to stop at the surface cuts
and sometimes I wouldn’t eat more than a couple bites
and sometimes I’d go a week and not sleep more than a couple nights
and sometimes I’d get so wrapped up in the “couple life”
when the “couple life” failed me the first couple times

but I am grateful that it seems stupid, and I’m grateful that i miss you
because the passed two years are something I’m glad I had to sit through
because now that I know what it means to be dead I can start living again
now that I know what it means to be dead
I can start living

I can smell it when I breathe
I can feel it when you leave
I can start living again

so I’m leaving behind the people who said I wasn’t brave enough
wrote an album called “sleep” and realized it’s about waking up.

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What It Feels Like To Finally Be Alone

It’s the closing of the door behind the song that sings about marrying someone’s genitals.
It’s the cool side of the pillow you have – the side you are sleeping on because everything in your room is cold.
Even your hands.
It’s the thought of you warming your own hands on your own.
It’s the panic like the walls are closing in your own panic room and you drown yourself in the tears of irony.
And you don’t know where to go.
To stay or to leave,because either way the walls are still closing in.
It’s the confusing,selfish and irrational decision you have chosen disguised as level headed and responsible.
Like a man in a toga with a fruit bowl hat.
Like when Neo takes the red pill.

I took the red pill too.
And there’s no other pill I would take
not even a Duloxetine.

And finally the walls stopped closing in.
I feel small,but at least I am small in a small space.

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Memory is a funny thing. When I was in the scene I hardly paid it any
attention. I never stopped to think of it as something that would make
a lasting impression, certainly never imagined that 18 years later I
would recall it in such detail. I didn’t give a damn about the scenery
that day.

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Life is not a spark in space,
An episode of Will and Grace
Controversial yet mundane.
Debrah’s messing with your brain.
Even Scientologists
Know there’s more to all of this.
You search the ruins for trap doors.
Wonder what you’re put here for.

Simple as a hint of gas
Climbing nostrils as you pass,
Making Harvard graduates
Feel childish when they laugh at it.
Climb the rungs to kingdom come.
Sour Patch to acid tongue.
Are you opposed to having fun?
You clench the world between your buns.

You could do better

Your life is always the post of something else.
Where is the present in the way that you present yourself?
It’s disgusting how little that you try:
The existential equivalent of pink eye.

Drink alone and watch TV.
You’re expecting harmonies
To tap your tune with silver spoons,
The anthem of impending doom.
Guiding Satan’s steady hand.
Forcing Beatles to disband.
It’s ego freaks and drama queens
The young at heart know what I mean.

You could do better

Aside